Lunacy

It wasn't until i gave up drinking that i realised, though the signs had always been there i just blamed it on the grog. As my body dried out, the poisons were flushed, the realisation hit me...
YzArC m'I
I asked around town. First stop was dinner's. "Am i crazy?" i askedthe dusty fluff ball. "You're talking to a sheep aint ya?" he replied."People do that all the time, talk to animals and shit." i defended myself, lighting a smoke but sticking it my mouth the wrong end so i had to smoke the filter first, oh well, cheaper than weed. "But how many of the animals talk back?" replied dinner, after pointing out i'd lit the wrong end of my ciggie. "Maybe your just really fucking clever dinner?" i asked, hope fading, like my sanity. He shook his head, had a piss, baa-ed and walked to the other side of the yard, looking back at me with contempt. "Stupid fucking glorified bloody jacket" i swore as i latched the gate behind me.
Asking humans about my mental state was going to require much more tact. "It's true, if ya don't cook it right, camel meat can give ya syphillis." said ma as i joined the conversation in front of the bar. "That's good then, i thought i might have got it from that chick on saturday night." i said, having just finished a big plate of roast camel. i thrive on these awkward silences, then everyone breaks out in laughter. "Hitler had syphillis" someone informs us, "syphillis in the brain"."It's true" said the voice, definately not funny, definately not crazy. they certainly weren't going to survive out here in the jungle. well the oldest, largest woodland forest tract in the southern hemisphere. "enough about syph, does anyone know anything about herpes, i know i caught that off that chick" another awkward silence, i fucking love it. "Benny, your fucking crazy!""Hey! I hadn't even asked yet." but all i got were weird looks. someone offered me a drink, as much as i needed it, i declined. my liver would one day thank me, or maybe i would thank me, or maybe i would thank me, or maybe me, or him, who is me, or you, who may be me..... whatever, someone would thank me, but not a bunch of mexicans who until i had quit drinking had been enjoying record export sales of Corona.
the conversation at the table veered towards politics, not my favourite subject, nor mine, nor... nevermind. i stood, lit another smoke and walked towards the highway. a road train came hurtling toward me, as it passed i contemplated if you'd even have time to realize you'd just became a hood ornament on several fucking tonnes of kenworth aerodyne. but i only do shit like that for a laugh, and maybe a bit of money, hey, we all do crazy bets when we're pissed and floating on a few tramadol.
So far all i had were answers to the affirmative, but these were either camel eating syphilliods or arrogant sheep, certainly not the expert opinions i was searching for. I decided to ask the new girl, thus far uncorrupted by the sweet allure of balladonian rainwater, a common ingrediant in Madura Acid. i staggered, despite the fact i was sober (i guess it had just become habit to stagger everywhere), to the new girls door. she was irish and i was unsure whether i'd understand her, which would then make her crazy and me sane. three knocks, three is a lucky number.
"Hey samantha. it is samantha right?" "Sorry, hey emily. i was just wondering, right, if, um, err.... everything is okay."she nods, jabbers away in irish. smiles. "Sorry? could you speak a BIT.....SLOWER" another laugh, always a good sign. a bit more irish jabber then she pulls out a sawn off 22. and kneecaps me.
I'm a bit surprised right, as was i and also me, that i know found myself in a crumpled pile on the floor, bits of benny bob leg spread around like joy and love. there was an awful lot of blood but the look of surprise on emily's face had me giggling like a bitch. "Sorry." she said."No wukkas mate. happens all the time." i was lying of course but it was only her first day and staff were hard to come by. i bid her farewell, told her she owed me a beer and dragged myself to the shop.
"What happened to you?" asked ma as i approached the table out the front of the bar. "I ate some camel. Man, that syphillis really cripples ya dunnit?" nobody got the joke, but i didn't care, i passed out from loss of blood.
i woke up to the sound of loud knocking. I jumped out of bed and opened the door. "BENNYYOURFUCKINGLATEFORFUCKINGWORKAFUCKINGGAIN"As paul said this i noticed i had to wonderfully intact kneecaps. "Sorry Boss" i said. "Maybe you should drink less Benny" suggested the boss"No fucking way. I'm much nicer drunk." said Me
"So am i" said myself
"Same" said I